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Revealed: Tiger Mauled Roy for Cheating on Him with Siegfried
Oct 16 2003 by Allen Voivod
DeadBrain has learned that the mauling of Roy Horn, of “Siegfried & Roy” fame, came at the hands of a jilted tiger who discovered, to his ultimate shock, that he was part of a secret love triangle.
The tiger, who has not been identified by name in the press because he is a minor, came to Roy’s bedroom on the morning of the performer’s 59th birthday. “I was carrying breakfast in bed for us – mimosas made with Cristal champagne, fresh fruit from the garden, and some hash browns with ketchup,” the tiger told DeadBrain. “I walked in and...it was just awful! How could a man do that?”
The tiger put his face in his paws and cried for a moment. What he then told us, between sobs, was that he walked in to find Roy’s performing partner, Siegfried Fischbacher, performing an act of anal sex with Roy. “He told me he only did that with me!” the tiger wailed.
The tiger ran out of the room and locked himself in the mansion’s den. “Oh, [Roy] came running, all right. Knocking on the door, pleading with me. I was so confused. He convinced me to perform on stage with him that night, even though I didn’t want to.”
Of course, that was the night of the terrible mauling. “I don’t remember doing it,” the tiger said. “I don’t remember much of anything. I just remember the lights, and the pain, and Roy telling me what to do, acting as though nothing had happened. It was too much for me! Stuff like this doesn’t happen in Africa.”
In the name of full disclosure, DeadBrain acquired this exclusive because the tiger is a cousin of Tony, the Frosted Flakes tiger. DeadBrain has had a long and complex relationship with Tony, including the sponsorship of an in-vitro fertilization for his wife, Mama Tony, and extended therapy to deal with a sex addiction that had reduced Tony to prostitution.
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