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| You are slobbering over: Home > Global News | November 20th |
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Johnny Cochran Wins Concessions, Name Changes from NFL; Ignores NHL Changes Oct 20 2003 by Phinneas Zoquo The National Football League, under heavy fire from a minority coalition led by famed lawyer Johnny Cochran, has agreed to hire only African-American, Latino-American or Asian-American coaching staffs, or their foreign counterparts. The exact breakdown of ethnicity will vary from year to year, and is dependent upon a complex matrix of U.S. population percentage, income and feature film roles given to each segment. In addition, owners will pay the would-be coaches an undisclosed sum of money annually to ensure that Cochran, as one anonymous league official put it, “stays the hell off our backs.” Cochran also won the right to rename four of the NFL’s 32 teams. As voted for on Cochran’s website (www.youmustacquit.org): Baltimore Ravens changed to Baltimore Black-Ass Birds Carolina Panthers changed to Carolina Black Panthers Cleveland Browns changed to Cleveland Blacks Indianapolis Colts changed to Indianapolis Colt 45s In other news, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced a revamping of NHL team names, sparking nationwide protests from minorities other than Johnny Cochran. The changes announced are: Calgary Flames changed to Calgary Flaming Homos Columbus Blue Jackets changed to Columbus Yellow Bastards Florida Panthers changed to Florida Scary Militant Negroes Phoenix Coyotes changed to Phoenix Wetback Smugglers And although the Chicago Blackhawks will maintain their name, their Indian-head logo will be replaced with a depiction of an Indian passed out next to a casino, with a bottle of Boone’s spilled on the ground next to him. Reached for comment, Cochran was surprisingly calm about the NHL changes. “Look, the name doesn’t matter as long as my wallet gets fatter. Hockey’s got as much to do with the Black Man as a leather glove that just doesn’t fit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to deposit this check before the bank closes.”
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