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Chicago, Boston Police End Mass Suicide Watch
Oct 22 2003 by Allen Voivod
Spokesmen for the Boston and Chicago Police Departments announced today that they have called off their mass suicide watches, and are returning to normal operations.
Fearing events on the level of Jonestown, the police forces heightened their alert status during the seventh games played by the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs in the League Championship Series. Nearly a week has passed since the catastrophic losses by these two teams, without an increase in the area suicide rates.
“We were really worried there for a while,” Boston Police spokesman Freddie O’Butler told reporters. “We haven’t had a game like this since the Buckner Breakdown.” He referred to the 1986 World Series loss that caused thousands of Sox fans, in a horrible twist on the Boston Tea Party, to cast themselves into the filthy waters of Boston Harbor. Hundreds died of pollution- and medical-waste-related injuries.
In Chicago, a new take on the Bart Simpson classic “Do the Bartman” emerged, as Mayor Daley ordered a hit on Steve Bartman, the fan who couldn’t catch the ball that Cubs left fielder Moises Alou couldn’t have caught anyway, but which drove fans to despair nonetheless. Chicago PD spokesman Joseph Allen wouldn’t reveal the amount of the price tag placed on Bartman’s head.
“We’re just glad nobody did anything silly,” Allen said. “We haven’t gotten this far into the playoffs in so long, nobody really knew what to expect. Hell, we thought Game 5 was just an exhibition to keep us busy while the Yankees/Sox series ground down to the bitter end. Hopefully we’ll remember that fact fifty-eight years from now, when we play our next League Championship Series.”
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