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Sprite Embraces Kobe with New Slogan: “Obey My Thirst, Bitch!”
Oct 28 2003 by Phinneas Zoquo and Allen Voivod
DeadBrain sources have discovered that Sprite is planning to push the limits of decency and public acceptability, after recent focus groups clearly showed that potential Sprite consumers are intrigued and excited by Kobe Bryant's new "bad boy" image.
A new commercial, due to air during the S_____ Bowl (the big football game in January), will depict Kobe Bryant in a hotel room having what can only be described as "wild monkey sex" with an unseen woman. While thrusting away, Kobe drinks his Sprite, spits it out onto his partner and yells, "Obey my thirst, bitch! I said obey it!"
The focus groups were shown this commercial, and another featuring Sprite's newest spokesman, NBA rookie phenom LeBron James. LeBron’s ad shows him taking school children to a petting zoo, and sharing some refreshing Sprite with them on the bus ride home. “What the f*** is this s***?!” one female participant exclaimed after seeing LeBron’s commercial. “Does he at least f*** the giant turtle in the outtakes?”
Rather than cave to the usual public pressure that results in firing spokespeople in legal turmoil, ad executives at Sprite have decided instead to embrace the controversy. “It doesn’t take any balls to slap your wife around. Just ask Jason Kidd,” Sprite spokesman Matt McGarrett said. “But the mere possibility that Kobe really raped that girl, when any other NBA groupie would have been thrilled to help him commit adultery – that takes some big ol’ concrete elephant swingers, and people respond to that.”
In a related story, actress Bea Arthur was arrested for knocking over a liquor store in Altoona, Pennsylvania yesterday. She released a statement from her jail cell, directing companies with endorsement offers to her agent in Los Angeles.
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