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Trick-or-Treaters Demand Reparations for Crappy Halloween Treats
Oct 30 2003 by Lucky Lani
Social and cultural analysts are abuzz today over “concrete evidence of a society wrought with moral dysfunction,” in light of a lawsuit filed in federal court today against the U.S. government. More than eight million entrepreneurial minors are demanding full reparations for tasteless, unchewable Halloween treats of the past.
“People rally against child labor violations, but what about this f***in’ exploitive holiday?” LeBaron Stykler asked rhetorically. He is the 14-year-old founder of the powerful political action committee, Power to the ToTs [Trick-or-Treaters]. “It’s thick! Millions of us freeze our asses off every year – dressed in makeup and flammable threads, for what – a roll of Smarties and a few Bit-O-Honeys? C’mon, man, that’s f***in’ bullsh**! And I think they stopped making Bit-O-Honeys in the late 70s, so God knows where the cheap folks are getting that jaw-breakin’ crap!”
Stykler has enlisted the help of legal piranha Jeremiah Dichstein to push his groups’ cause into the public eye. “Clearly, adults have been taking advantage of the simple-mindedness of kids everywhere,” Dichstein said in a press conference earlier today. He then sought to quantify the situation for reporters.
“I mean, if YOU had the choice between a Tootsie Roll bought in bulk or the 75 cents it would cost the average consumer to purchase a reasonably satisfying candy bar at a supermarket counter, and then multiply that 75 cents by 62, which is the average number of households a physically-able child visits on October 31st, and then multiply THAT figure by 10, which is the average number of Halloween holidays in which said child voluntarily participates in the time-honored social tradition, and then calculate the present value of those candy bars while adjusting for inflation, which would you choose? See? I thought so.”
Children in Utah and in Amish enclaves were not named as plaintiffs in the lawsuit.
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