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| You just fell over: Home > Global News | November 20th |
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 Bush Hails CIA Coup In Ottawa Dec 27 2003 by Ross Bender President Bush today hailed the CIA-sponsored coup which has brought Paul Martin to power in Canada. The dramatic capture of Saddam Hussein had obscured the regime change in Ottawa, which displaced Prime Minister Jean Chretien last week, when Special Forces operatives stormed the Parliament buildings and seized power without a fight. Chretien is being held in a secret location; Mr. Bush would say only that "we'll prolly give the little Frenchie a taste of Camp X-Ray after he's had a few sleepless nights and asked him a few questions. We had Army doctors examine his rectum to make sure he wasn't harboring any weapons of mass destruction." Visible signs of change in Canada were few during the busy holiday shopping season, although several statues of General Isaac Brock were toppled by celebrating American tourists. (Brock is the Canadian war hero who defended the country against a US invasion in the War of 1812.) The new Canadian Ministry of Education, to be directed by US Defense Secretary Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld, will rewrite Canadian history books to reflect that the American invasion was in fact a success, as US textbooks already demonstrate. English will become the official language and in a "No Canuck Child Left Behind" initiative, natives of Quebec will be learned good English. The new puppet administration of Paul Martin is expected to reflect strong support for US war aims in Iraq and less support for same-sex marriage and decriminalization of marijuana. Also, Canada will send an annual tribute of 5000 Native Canadian virgins to be employed as concubines in the US Senate. Halliburton Corporation and Yale Skull and Bones will be given exclusive contracts to reconstruct the largely underdeveloped nation, and the Tim Horton donut chain will be renamed "Cheney's." President Bush emphasized that "It not about the oil. It about freedom and democracy and also the right of our good neighbors to the north to not have to speak that awful French language no more." Even as the President spoke, bomb blasts were heard in Montreal. The Al Canuck terrorist organization, headed by Osama bin Leveque, claimed responsibility. Related Articles In Biggest Vocal Gaffe Yet, Bush Promises Troops "Home by Christmas" Dec 23 2003 Bush Testicles "Not Steel," Claims Source Dec 19 2003 Routine Iraqi Carjacking Results In Army's Overwhelming Use of Force, Death of Cat Dec 17 2003 Britney Spears "Gigantically Relieved" at Hussein's Capture; Shares Passion Dec 16 2003 Exclusive: Condi and Colin Speaking Secret Language Dec 11 2003 Russia's Kyoto Rejection Causes Chain Reaction of Treaty Withdrawals to BC Era Dec 10 2003
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