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Federal Budget Books Full of Cuts - and Numerous Other Injuries
Feb 10 2004 by Jim Bauman
"We've got to decrease federal government spending!" said an exasperated, anonymous White House official. When asked if President Bush will trim the humongous federal budget, the official said, "No, I don't think so, but I want the budget cut because the just-released 2005 federal budget books are accidents already happening. Medical bills on Capitol Hill are skyrocketing!"
And it's true. When a White House staffer slammed the heavy, four-volume budget down on Senator Peter Fitzgerald's (R-Ill.) desk in the Senate, the desk legs buckled and so did the Senator's. "He's recuperating in the hospital. He caught a few splinters, has many ugly bruises, but no broken bones," said the Senator's spokesperson. "He should be back in the Senate soon with his legs under a new, titanium desk."
"I'm triaging people in a room off the Senate chambers," said Senator Bill Frist, the Majority Leader. "As a medical doctor, I've many times had to use the Heimlich maneuver on President Bush when he's choked on his beloved pretzels, and I've pressed the defibrillator paddles onto Vice-President Cheney's chest when he's collapsed in Cabinet meetings. But those emergencies were nothing like what I've seen lately - countless contusions, concussions, and fractures - all from the new, hefty federal budget books."
Some senators and congressman want a bill proposed to either publish a slim, light-weight, soft-cloth bound, "Cliff Notes" version of the budget that won't hurt anybody, or if the current, heavy tomes continue to be published, they want a provision added to the 2005 federal budget that would make funds available to treat the wounded.
At a White House Press conference organized to talk about the crisis, Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "I don't know what all the whining is about. What a bunch of babies! Hey, they're only books. If they'd just use a bit of care, they're harmless." When asked by photographers to hold up the plastic-bound budget, Mr. McClellan raised it up in one quick motion and his grip on the plastic slipped. The corner of the books stabbed his right eye. "Ooowww, that really hurts!"
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