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Gay Marriage Compromise Reached: Lesbians Yes, Gay Men No
Mar 18 2004 by Allen Voivod
In a display of political acumen the likes of which haven't been seen since Solomon suggested cutting a baby in half, the rapper 50 Cent has offered lawmakers a workable solution to the gay marriage problem.
"Women who like women, that's cool," Mr. Cent said in a recent Playboy interview, acknowledging that his own mother is bisexual. But about gay men, Mr. Cent said, "I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are."
GOP lawmakers are now revising their controversial gay marriage constitutional amendment to allow lesbian marriages, and deny gay men the opportunity to marry. "This is the answer we've been looking for," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced to reporters. "It allows us to look like we're being progressive and manages to marginalize parts of society on the back end. So to speak. I think the White House will be pleased."
The White House has yet to comment. However, President Bush himself, off-microphone at a rodeo event last week, said that he would "pay cash money to see Dick's [Cheney's lesbian] daughter playing fuzzy bumpers with Newt's [Gingrich's lesbian] sister."
The idea is appealing to Bush's conservative Christian support base as well. "God only struck down the Sodomites," said Joan of Arc descendant and noted televangelist Pat Robertson. "He didn't strike down the lesbians, and we should be mindful of that. I for one especially enjoy ministering to the lesbians in our church – and vice versa."
Democrats seemed pleased with the idea, too. Presumptive presidential candidate John Kerry told reporters, "I had a very moving experience with two lesbians in a Vietnamese forest that inspired me to write a number of poems. It's a wonderful idea, and I may ask Mr. Cent for an endorsement. I need the black vote like a [expletive deleted]."
DeadBrain elected not to get comments from gays or lesbians for this article, because we knew exactly what they'd say about the idea. And in a related story, the Federal Reserve left interest rates unchanged this week, maintaining 50 Cent's valuation in the financial markets.
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