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Arkansas’s Marsupial Industry Devastated by Mad 'Possum Epidemic
Mar 23 2004 by Phinneas Zoquo
In what will surely deliver a severe blow to Arkansas's culinary industry, Claude Claudeson, president of the Arkansas Association of Rednecks who Devour Vermin And Road Kill (AARDVARK) announced yesterday in a press conference that at least five cases of Mad 'Possum disease have been confirmed since March 21st.
"I'z out dere lookin' fer myze Sunday vittles last Monday night," Claudeson reported, "and I'z come upon dis momma 'possum in a tree, hangin' from its tail like, right? But den, 'stead of it freezin' when I flashed my light at it, the sumbitch started shakin' like one dem faith healin' folk. I knows sump'n ain't right when I'd seen dat. So I'z spreaded the word to Des and Wes not to go near 'em."
And just like that, the industry was on the brink of total collapse. Word spread to gas stations throughout the area, and normally calm folk began to panic. Mobs formed and looted general stores, stocking up on jarred corn, powdered grits and methamphetamines.
Conspiracy theorists suggest that the Bush Administration manipulated the release of this news to distract reporters from a recent claim that National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice is in fact a transsexual.
In his new book, former counter-terrorism expert Richard Clarke states that Rice often threatened him and other male White House employees by waving a jar containing her penis and saying, "You're next if you don't find a link between Saddam and al-Qaeda."
Meanwhile, Arkansas and West Virginia stopped all 'possum farming operations within their borders a preventative measure. The other 48 states have taken no action, nor have any state agricultural departments suggested they might do so. However, Japan is insisting on a complete testing of all marsupials in US borders, though there has never been recorded shipment of exported marsupials to the Far East.
This issue is also close to DeadBrain's heart, as we have a section of our site devoted to usability for vermin. We hope that the industry returns to normal soon.
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