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FCC Fines Itself for Indecent Indecency Policy
Mar 25 2004 by Dan Barash
The Federal Communications Commission levied a $500,000 fine against itself today for broadcasting indecency on the nation's airwaves.
FCC Chairman Michael Powell approved the fine after he himself accidentally used the F-word in a radio interview where he was discussing the FCC's indecency policy. "I feel terrible about this," said Powell. "I usually only use the F-word privately, when referring to FCC policies in closed-door discussions with members of Congress, but it just slipped out."
President Bush defended Powell's lapse. "Those reporters tricked him into saying that word," said Bush. "I reminded him that government officials have no business talking to the press - it's just too risky."
Powell said funds from the fine would be used to hire several hundred "average Americans" to monitor the airwaves for naughtiness. "We will not let this happen again," he vowed. "We all know what horrific damage the F-word can do. The F-word has strange, evil powers that corrupt everything within earshot. Impressionable children who hear the F-word may grow up to become gay and marry other gays, and we all know what that leads to."
Many of the new FCC employees would be assigned to the Boob Patrol, where they will be on the lookout for exposed breasts. The FCC fears a repeat of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl wardrobe incident. "Breasts have special evil powers, just like the F-word," said Powell. "I have studied the Janet Jackson episode very carefully, for literally hundreds of hours. And I have done my own in-depth, scientific study of the effect of exposed breasts on the American male. I am certain the impact on this nation is very serious indeed."
The FCC is also concerned about indecent references to excretory functions. "There's too much poop on the airwaves," said Powell. "And that's something I really give a poop about."
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