| |
College Student Dumps His Girlfriend for PlayStation2
Mar 27 2004 by Martin Kerrigan
For most of us, love is blind. For Drake Vasquez, love is pixilated.
A resident of Rothermel Hall, Vasquez officially dumped his girlfriend Ellen Hicks after seven months, leaving her for his PlayStation 2 videogame system. The system, which Hicks purchased as a present for Vasquez on his 21st birthday, had no comment on the break-up.
"We were so in love...so, so in love," mused a red-eyed Hicks, who is currently seeking emotional solace by spending time with friends, crying herself to sleep at night, and listening to all 14 albums by The Cure on a loop. "I could've spent that 0 on myself. Could've made myself look pretty for him.." She then trailed off, deliriously sobbing.
"You wouldn't even believe how much better my life is now that it's just me and PS," confessed Vasquez, seductively eying the black box while running his index finger along the system's purple-tinted pinstripe. "PS is so attuned to what kind of action I need. She's got a 300 MHz 128 bit "Emotion Engine" so she's always stimulating and up for some serious calculation. I mean, Ellen only had an IQ of 108." He also said that he really knows how to "push PS's buttons," whereas romance with Ellen is like "trying to warm up a dead fish."
Through many tears, Hicks confided during an exclusive interview with DeadBrain that Vasquez and his friends "would play, and play, and play games forever, night and day," regardless if Ellen was there or not. "He would just sit there with those two morons and act like I wasn't even there. No wonder they're all on academic probation," she said between sobs.
"PS never judges us," explained Vasquez's closest friends, sophomore Duane Hudson and junior Eric Bishop. "Plus, Ellen royally sucked at Tony Hawk."
"Now that Ellen's gone I can just settle down with PS and get to what really matters in life," said Vasquez, who at the time of this interview, hadn't showered or gone to class in weeks. "Just me and you, baby. Just me and you."
|
|
