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| You just walked into: Home > News | February 4th |
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Opera Inspires Ashcroft's New Prison Punishment IdeasMar 29 2004 by Jim Bauman
"It was my epiphany!" said Attorney General Ashcroft at a news conference. "The days of prisoners sitting around, watching TV, napping, and wasting time until their sentences are up are over. The new motto for the American Penal System is 'Let the punishment fit the crime.'" One reporter queried Ashcroft as to how this new chapter in criminal rehabilitation began. Ashcroft replied, "My wife and I recently attended the Gilbert and Sullivan opera, The Mikado, and I was dumb-struck by these lines: (Suddenly, Ashcroft burst into a loud, stunningly off-key song which was interrupted every second by ear-splitting feedback from the microphone.) "'My object all sublime I shall achieve in time- To let the punishment fit the crime- The punishment fit the crime...'" After the ringing in everyone's ears subsided, Warden Eugene McAdory, from the Menard Correctional Center in Illinois, timidly tugged the microphone away from Ashcroft's hand. "To give you an example of the new program, at our facility, a hapless group attends a sunrise-to-sunset class everyday on the most exquisitely boring subject known to man - the federal income tax code. This class is for tax cheaters and evaders. Leading the class is a bitter and spiteful retired CPA. He drills them relentlessly regarding fine points in the tax code. Anyone who refuses to do their lessons receives a 'tax cut.'" "What's the 'tax cut'?" asked a reporter who, of course, need not have asked the question because the warden couldn't wait to tell everyone. "A prisoner is given a 30-pound tax code book for each hand. He holds his arms straight out at his sides. Now, he doesn't want to let his arms fall, because just underneath each hand is a pattern of long, sharp pins fashioned into the letters 'IRS'. They have to hold those books until the teacher grabs them out of their hands. But, the teacher never does. Ewww-eeee...I'm just glad my office is in another building." Ashcroft grabbed the microphone, "Now, the men who perpetrated the Nigerian e-mail scam, let me tell you what'll be done with them..."
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