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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | October 11th |
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 Hamas: God Declares War on America, Israel, Sharon StoneMar 30 2004 by Ross Bender
Recently appointed Hamas leader Abdel Aziz al-Rantissi announced Friday that God has declared war on America, Israel, Great Britain, Bulgaria, Poland, Spain, Japan, and the Maldive Islands. God had previously declared war on Muslim fundamentalists, fornicators (particularly homosexuals), and schoolchildren who refuse to recite the Pledge of Allegiance using the phrase "under God." In his statement at Gaza City's Islamic University, al-Rantissi ranted that "We realize that Bush is the enemy of God, the enemy of Islam and Muslims. America declared war on God. Sharon declared war on God and God declared war on America, Bush and Sharon." It was not immediately apparent which Sharon God had declared war on. A spokesperson for the actress Sharon Stone denied that she was currently the object of God's wrath, although stated that on second thought perhaps she could use the publicity, and would get back to us. In Washington, Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld confirmed that God had indeed declared war on Muslim fundamentalists, atheists, homosexuals ("particularly the kinky fellas who wear those swanky leather bras and dress up in women's clothing and come on to us straight guys in bars, pretending to be real hot items, not that I can't tell the difference"), and swarthy people with beards everywhere. He referred reporters to Army Lt. General William Boykin, Under-Secretary of Defense for Right Wing Christian Theology, who commented "Then I saw a beast coming out of the sea. He had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on his horns, and on each head a blasphemous name. The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a dragon, dripping with blood, used condoms and all manner of vile fluids!" It is believed that this was a subtle reference to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, or possibly French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin, on both of whom God declared war in late 1999. Related Articles Selective Service to Draft Korean, Arabic, Gay Linguists Mar 17 2004
Selective Service to Draft Korean, Arabic, Gay Linguists
Mar 17 2004
Canadian Prime Minister Removed; Bush Looks Forward to "Bison-Riding"
Mar 9 2004
Bush Blows October Surprise Party with Bin Laden AnnouncementMar 4 2004 Halliburton to Iraqis: "Uncle Dick Wants YOU!" Feb 17 2004 Bush Tells Grand Jury Literally "Everything" He Knows in Seven Minutes Feb 16 2004
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