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Exclusive: In Midst of Turmoil, Ariel Sharon Finally Selects Diet Plan
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is reportedly starting the Atkins diet.
"It's about time I drop a few," said the porcine Prime Minister. Sharon's close advisors and friends are happy with the decision. Dan Gillerman, Israel's representative to the United Nations, said, "He was really getting big there. We were beginning to worry about him."
An unnamed aide said, "He's started wearing slip-on shoes, because he can't bend over to tie the laces." Another aide said, "His breathing is really loud. I thought that he had fallen asleep in a meeting and was snoring, but he was wide awake and attentive."
Starting the low-carbohydrate diet won't be easy for the Israeli politician. He reportedly enjoys traditional Jewish foods that are high in carbs, as well as more Western fare, such as pizza and McDonald's. "Mrs. Sharon's latkes are a weekly treat, but I guess I'll have to pass," joked the portly politician. "No more unleavened bread for me!"
Sharon is said to have been inspired to lose weight by US President George Bush. "George is such a fitness nut," said Sharon. "When I was last in Crawford, he ran every day, and walked on that treadmill of his. I got kind of embarrassed sitting around watching 'I Love Lucy' all day."
The clincher came when Sharon had to wait until the Presidential limo pulled away from the curb so that he could get in. "The edge of the door kept digging into the concrete. That's when I decided to make a change."
A representative from the Atkins Group was pleased to hear that Sharon is taking charge of his health. "We should warn him that stressful times may make him want to eat more, and eat more high-carb foods. He may want to wait to start the program until after they kill Arafat."
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