| |
A Sunday Mystery - Who Caused Cheney's Latest Heart Attack?
DeadBrain reporter Ben Probing was embedded with the Washington D.C. Public Health Crisis Scene Investigation Team Unit (or W.D.C.P.H.C.S.I.T.U. for short) when a high profile case arrived...
"We entered a dining room on the negative 30th floor at Dick Cheney's undisclosed location. White House spokesman Scott McClellan confronted us and said, 'There's no need for this. It's no big deal. The Vice President had suffered three heart attacks before this incident. Tonight, he was eating dinner with his wife, developed chest pains, and was hospitalized. His physician, Dr. Hackingkoff, had given the chef rigid orders to serve Cheney an extremely low fat diet with absolutely no animal fats. So you see, this crisis couldn't have been avoided. Please leave now!'"
With an irritated look on his face, W.D.C.P.H.C.S.I.T.U. team leader Gus Gillstrom said, "Sir, this is a Public Health Crisis Scene Investigation. Stand down! We must do our job. Nurse, escort this gentleman from the room."
As a heavily muscled, mustachioed nurse was dragging McClellan by the neck, Gus shouted, "Stop, what's that on your shoe?" Reaching down, Gus pulled a torn margarine wrapper from the bottom of McClellan's shoe.
"Boss, over here, look at this!" said Clem, W.D.C.P.H.C.S.I.T.U. junior field investigator. "The margarine on the passing plate is soft, but the spread on Cheney's half-eaten roll is hard. I think the spread on the roll is butter!"
"Good work, Clem, you'd better check out the cream pitcher too. See how the liquid clings to the inside surface? Not fat-free, could be heavy cream."
A diminutive, balding detective entered the room. Gus looked up and said, "What do you have for me, Brash?"
"One week ago, two new accounts with 50 shares each of Halliburton stock were opened at Merrill Gott Lynched for McClellan and Cheney's chef. That same day 100 shares of the same stock were subtracted from the victim's account," said Brash.
"So, the vic bribed the chef to violate his strict diet, and McClellan attempted to deceive us by substituting margarine for the butter on the passing plate. Hmm...Dick Cheney, just another desperate, troubled dieter," mused Gus.
|
|
