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A Yearning DeadBrain Reporter Dreams of the "End Times"
Just before last night's slumber, Ned Nudnik, DeadBrain reporter, finished reading the first "Left Behind" series book about God swooping up the faithful into heaven, and abandoning the hapless to schlep around the earth. This morning, after Ned was fully awake, he broke into a cold sweat. Ned explained...
"My dream that night had been vivid and detailed. All Neoconservatives and fundamental Christians had disappeared. No cars crashed and no planes fell from the sky. All those snagged in the rapture tracker beam had had the stomach flu beforehand and were vomiting at home when they vanished. It was a miracle!"
"I traveled around the country and began covering the biggest news story ever by interviewing experts in their fields."
"Ida Heardit, veteran media authority said, 'The radio and TV don't contain the rancor, vitriol, and tough talk, now that Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Pat Robertson to name a few are gone. It's awfully quiet without them. For fear the public would get bored due to all the peace and quiet on the airwaves, a few actors tried to start up new shows and imitate their style, but they failed to revive the vigorous mean-spiritedness of the long lost gasbags. The shows were dropped.'"
"I strolled up to Capitol Hill and met with Senator Phil A'buster, who said, 'Looks like we're going to get quick closure on Iraq. All the obstacles to bringin' our armed forces home have been cleared. Low and middle-income citizens are receiving the tax breaks and the social/medical services that they needed. New jobs are being created. The environment is rebounding. Talkin' about things 'left behind,' the 'No Child Left Behind' act will finally get full funding.'"
"Mainstream Pastor Karin Forflock said, 'Some people are having difficulties. They're the ones who relied upon black and white answers for moral dilemmas. They're still uncomfortable with the gray areas in life. Gone is their feeling of self-righteousness.'"
"Oh, regarding me," reporter Nudnik added, "the 'cold sweat' that I'd had after awakening? It wasn't from the dream but from everyday reality."
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