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Fox News Channel Suffers Psychotic Break
The Fox News Channel was hospitalized yesterday for what doctors are calling "emotional exhaustion."
The network was forced to interrupt its ongoing coverage of George W. Bush in order to cover the death and funeral of former President Ronald Reagan. Doctors say that the strain of attempting to provide nonstop fair-and-balanced coverage of both its idols took a clear toll on Fox.
As Dr. Fred Fanberg explained, "The network was deeply conflicted. When it covered one of its icons it felt as though it was ignoring the other. The strain simply became too much."
Fox's attempts to remedy the situation by offering segments that dealt with both Bush and Reagan only made matters worse, as such segments inevitably led to comparisons. "Bush is great, but Reagan could run a war on terror that would be more cinematic," noted former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Such painful "hate talk" reduced host Neil Cavuto to tears.
Doctors say that it is precisely this sort of strain that caused the network to suffer "a mild psychotic break." Dr. Fanberg said, "FNC has been in a tug of war with itself in the days following Reagan's death, and it finally just reached its breaking point."
This breaking point came when Brit Hume's head spontaneously burst into flames when a guest outrageously suggested that neither Bush nor Reagan deserved to be worshipped.
"What we are trying to do now is teach the network that one intellectually-challenged foe to the working class is as good as the other. You don't have to pick just one to love," Dr. Fanberg said.
The hospitalization of FNC has proven difficult for its supporters, who find themselves without a reliable source of objective news. "Where do I turn now?" asked Vice-President Dick Cheney. "These other networks give you 'facts.' Do you think I need facts?"
Still others wonder whether the network will recover and continue its mission of providing unbiased accounts of the achievements of American conservatives. A get-well card sent by the Bush administration echoes the feelings of a nation: "Get well soon - we're not out of Iraq yet!"
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