| |
President Ronald Reagan Enters Into Heaven
The casket of former President Ronald Reagan, drawn by riderless winged horses and deceased Republicans, ascended slowly through the ground from the burial plot at his Presidential Library and entered into Heaven today.
En route to the Pearly Gates, the casket made a victory lap around the globe, pausing briefly to complete the orbital missile defense system known as Star Wars, and then traveled on beyond Jupiter and Saturn, gradually gathering speed, until it was beyond the ken of even the Hubble Telescope.
In Heaven, St. Peter, in a courteous and deferential address, formally welcomed the soul of Reagan and personally escorted The Gipper to the Great Oval Office in the Sky. Celestial bands played "Danny Boy" and "My Wild Irish Rose" as the immortal 40th President of the United States made his way to join Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Eisenhower at a reception. Franklin Delano Roosevelt could not be present, citing "schedule conflicts."
At the reception at the Great Oval Office in the Sky, Jesus Christ was heard to make laudatory comments about The Great Communicator's career, noting particularly Reagan's record in improving health care and education and smashing peasant rebellions in Nicaragua and Grenada. God the Father awarded Reagan the Boy Scouts of Heaven Medal of Honor, the highest honor available in Paradise, for single-handedly blowing down the Berlin Wall.
After the gala reception, many of the deceased Republicans, most notably including former President Richard Nixon and Senator Strom Thurmond, excused themselves, citing pressing engagements "elsewhere."
|
|
