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O.J. Simpson Names the Real "Cuckoo" Killer
Beloved bad boy O.J. Simpson has revealed to DeadBrain that he has found the "real killers" of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman, and it is none other than Cocoa Puffs' spokesbird, Sonny.
In his only interview with an online satire site, Simpson explained that the discovery is the result of nearly 10 years of investigation. "My investigators had gone through every piece of crime scene evidence a million times when they finally noticed a mangled box of Cocoa Puffs lying near the gate."
It was that picture that prompted Simpson's to look into Sonny, who they soon realized was a cuckoo bird with a troubled past. Although Sonny gave a voice to countless Americans unable to shout about their cereal when he exclaimed "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!" few realized how crippling his addiction to the chocolaty cereal was.
Close friend and one time companion Toucan Sam remembers that "Sonny was running with a fast crowd and suffering from delusional fits that made his work difficult." Sonny's problems were further complicated by his dependency on Cocoa Puffs and the escalating price of cereal.
Reached by phone, Sonny would only say "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"
By 1994 it is believed the cuckoo bird was getting his Cocoa Puffs fix any way he could, drifting from the free breakfast buffets at Comfort Inns, even resorting to passing himself off as a "stuffed" version of himself so that he could gain entry into unsuspecting homes.
Simpson says this is precisely what happened in Brentwood, California 10 years ago. "When Nicole realized he wasn't a stuffed animal he went, well, cuckoo."
While Simpson works to clear any lingering doubt, he also disagrees with those who claim his infamy is overshadowed by newer, younger, alleged murderers like Scott Peterson. "He's a flash in the pan," Simpson says of Peterson. "He'll never have my kind of staying power."
Simpson is in the midst of a media junket celebrating the tenth anniversary of the murders while promoting the release of the 10-DVD set, "Highlights of the O.J. Simpson Trial."
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