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| You are misplaced along with: Home > News | November 20th |
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Clinton's Book Attacks Old Foes - LiterallyJun 22 2004 by John Hetherington
In a bizarre series of incidents, Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life, appears to be attempting to settle old scores by attacking the former president's enemies.Police in Malibu, Calif., reported that a display of the books hurled itself at Kenneth Starr, rendering the former independent counsel unconscious. "Mr. Starr was standing in front of a large pyramid of the books, telling anyone who passed by that he thought it was crap," said Borders manager Morgan Colonna. "Suddenly the books hurled themselves at him. Before he could get away he was buried!" Kenneth Star rose to national prominence when he abandoned his career as a National Enquirer reporter to investigate the sex lives of popular Democratic presidents. One could easily dismiss the Star incident as coincidence if not for other reports. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich reported that a copy of Clinton's book flung itself at his crotch, causing a testicular rupture. "I was just sitting there looking myself up in the index - I do that with all new books," Gingrich explained, "when the book just smashed me in the groin." Those close to Gingrich claim that Clinton's book is spending an inordinate amount of time with Gingrich's wife, Callista. "His injuries have made it difficult for him to be close to Callista, and the book seems to have moved right in to take his place," said a source. "He's seething." Despite these reports, Florida authorities are questioning claims by radio show host Rush Limbaugh that Clinton's book taunted him with OxyContin and doughnuts. Limbaugh claimed that the book accosted him while he was visiting a dark alley in West Palm Beach. "I drop by the alley to remind myself of what liberalism in American means - sad junkies and tired whores selling their wares. I certainly wasn't there for a fix or a quickie," Limbaugh explained. However, Detective Frank Butler stated that there had been no sightings of the book, adding, "It's long, people would have noticed." When asked about the controversy surrounding his autobiography, former President Clinton quipped, "I'm just glad to hear it's flying off the shelves!"
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