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Nixon Peddling His Own Tell-All Book
Disgraced ex-President Richard Nixon, jealous at overwhelming publicity for Ronald Reagan's death and Bill Clinton's book My Life, is peddling a new tell-all autobiography called Inside the Gates of Hell: Tricky Dick Remembers.
But so far, no publishing company has been desperate enough to pay Nixon for his work.
"I don't understand it," Nixon said, as Hell's flames licked at his five o'clock shadow. "I died in 1994, Reagan got Alzheimer's in '94. We've both been gone from the American scene for 10 years.
"But he got all kinds of publicity and accolades when he died, and even two cross-country airplane trips," Nixon continued. "All I got was a one-way ticket from the White House to California, and it wasn't voluntary.
"And Clinton," Nixon sneered, "he was just an Arkansas bumpkin who had oral sex with an intern. Big deal. I screwed the whole country."
In his pitch to publishers, Nixon promised, for perhaps the only time ever, to tell the whole truth.
"The Checkers speech, it was a cheap sympathy ploy and a pack of lies," Nixon said. "Watergate, I was in it up to my elbows. I ordered it, I knew everything. And, yes, I tried to subvert the entire electoral process in 1972. I was slimy. Then again, did the country really need George McGovern as president?"
Nixon said Reagan and Clinton "can't hold a candle to me when it comes to scandal. I don't know why no one wants to listen to my story. I should be on coins and bills and Mount Rushmore too, don't you think?"
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