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Rumsfeld Courts X Games Star; Ryan Loses Borg Support
Yesterday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld finally admitted to approving the controversial interrogation method known as "water boarding." But in his defense, the Secretary claimed he thought the technique, which involves immersing a prisoner in water, was "just another one of those extreme sports."
In an effort to avoid a similar snafu in the future, Rumsfeld has approached skateboarding champion and X Games legend Tony Hawk to serve on his staff. Hawk's official position would be that of Director of National Extreme Sports in a Defensive Capacity.
Hawk, despite being a Democrat, is reportedly quite interested in the position. The news pleased the Secretary, who remarked, "Good, I'd like him on board before I approve that 'boneless finger flip' thing."
Meanwhile, Jack Ryan's troubled bid to become the next senator of Illinois seems to be in even greater jeopardy today after losing the backing of the Borg Collective.
The Borg, cybernetic adversaries of the Federation, are said to be "disgusted" by the allegations that the GOP nominee forced his ex-wife and former drone, Seven of Nine, to frequent "bizarre clubs" with him where he requested that she perform acts of a sexual nature.
Ryan promptly denied these accusations, claiming, "If anyone's into whips, chains, and leather, it's that Borg Queen, not me."
When asked about Ryan's remarks, the Queen responded, "We are the Borg. Resistance is futile - and no comment!"
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