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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | October 11th |
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FCC's New Indecency Target: Dashes in Magazines, NewspapersJun 28 2004 by Allen Voivod
Emboldened by recent settlements for indecency fines, the Federal Communications Commission will soon attack an even more insidious source of filth - magazines and newspapers.In a little-noticed submission to the Federal Register, the FCC made clear its intention of levying astronomical fines against publications that use dashes or other characters in place of letters to print profanity. "They think they're getting away with it, but I still know what they're writing," said FCC Chairman Michael Powell, at a press conference attended by two homeless men and our reporter, who had been looking for the building's exit and felt guilty about leaving once he'd entered the room. Powell continued: "Recently, Entertainment Weekly quoted Tom Hanks - the saintly Tom Hanks! - using the word 'C-dash-dash-dash-sucker.' That's how they printed it, but they put the whole word in my head. They put it in my head." One of the homeless men offered Powell a skullcap made of tinfoil, which Powell slapped out of the man's hand. A brawl ensued, and our reporter slipped out of the room unnoticed. To make it clear which words will now be entirely banned from publication, the FCC is also proposing that only government officials be allowed to use those words. Vice President [Expletive Deleted] Cheney took immediate advantage of this loophole. He told a Sierra Club lawyer, "I'll [expletive deleted] your wetlands with my oil-soaked [expletive deleted], you duck-loving [multiple expletives deleted]," days before the more widely reported "Go [expletive deleted] yourself" incident with Senator Patrick Leahy last week. But Cheney won't be only government employee to implement the use of such language. Already, IRS call center reps have been given an approved list of terms for the orifice into which taxpayers may be told to insert IRS forms and publications. Perhaps more ominously, the Defense Department will be using profanity in its names for new operations, to prevent them from receiving undue scrutiny in the media. "Try reporting on Operation [Multiple Expletives Deleted] without getting fined into bankruptcy, you [expletive deleted]," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters, one of whom responded, "Not as much as your daughter, [expletive deleted]!"
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