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Pataki Turns to Men in Tights to Defend NY Streets
NY Governor George Pataki has unveiled plans for a new initiative that will see communities across New York State being protected by super heroes not cool enough to warrant big-budget, big-screen bonanzas.
Under the plan, "Tights in the Streets," once-great superheroes like The Flash, Green Lantern, and The Fantastic Four will suit up again to fight crime and revive their sagging careers.
Speaking before an audience that included both the elites of New York's Republican Party and diehard comic book fans, Pataki noted, "This plan gives everyone a chance to win. New York State will benefit from this impressive array of superheroes, while they are able to remind the world that Spider-Man isn't the only one fighting crime in this state."
Indeed, there had been widespread speculation that famed web-slinger had let his crime fighting duties take a back seat to film-making and carousing. As Fantastic Four member Thing explained, "The wall crawler doesn't get his hands dirty with real work anymore - I even heard he gets Ben Affleck to wear the costume for him while he's out doing the circuit."
Under Pataki's plan, state police officers will be laid off or reassigned to positions in the newly formed "Governor's Brigade." In addition to providing protection to the governor, the Brigade will also conduct parades and ceremonial drills for his amusement.
Critics are quick to point out that, although the crime fighting initiative will save the state much-needed funds to produce public service advertisements featuring the governor, the superheroes in question are past their prime and incapable of defending the state, having suffered from years of neglect.
Noted superhero expert Giovanni Fanberg explains, "They've really gone into decline. They held out for so long hoping they'd get their big movie break - The Fantastic Four still thinks it's around the corner."
The hardships are visible, Fanberg said. Thing, once a mass of walking rock, has been reduced to an odd amalgamation of pebbles, while The Flash has battled a crippling addiction to speed, overcoming it only to fall prey to the Krispy Kreme doughnut craze.
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