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Miami Police Claim Drudge Guilty of "GOP-philia"
Miami police, investigating suspected domestic violence at the home of cyber-tabloid editor Matt Drudge, uncovered what is being called "a shocking case of GOP-philia."
According to a mix of unconfirmed reports and wild speculation, police responded to calls from Drudge's neighbors, who reported hearing "anguished cries" and "loud screams." Yet upon reaching the residence, police found only a visibly shaken Drudge.
Sources close to Drudge report that he has been suffering from bouts of sever depression recently, triggered by the success of Bill Clinton's memoirs, John Kerry's rise in the polls, and persistent and credible rumors that Vice President Dick Cheney is suffering from senile dementia.
But while investigating, police made a shocking discovery. Detective Bert Morgan explained, "Whenever we're called to a house for any reason we like to go through it thoroughly. It's one of the benefits of the Patriot Act - and it's fun."
It was during this routine and patriotic investigation that police unearthed what may be the largest known collection of Republican erotica in existence, including "tasteful yet disturbing" nude statues and portraits of Cheney and President George W. Bush.
"He had bronze statues of Bush and Cheney as little cherubs in his bedroom and bathroom," Detective Morgan said. "I suppose to some minds that's a loving gesture of devotion to one's country."
But not everything in Drudge's collection was so innocent. In what was described as a "secret room" accessible only through his bedroom closet, police found hidden camera tapes of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at the gym, and a Karen Hughes dominatrix kit for the "naughty Republican."
"The worst of it was the life-sized, inflatable Condoleezza Rice," Detective Morgan added. "I've seen some scary things in my time, but after this I don't think I'll ever be the same again."
Meanwhile, the Fox News Channel is contesting claims that Drudge's collection of GOP erotica is the biggest in the nation, stating that the network holds that honor. According to FNC representatives, the collection will be put on display in a new exhibition that will travel the nation following the Republican National Convention.
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