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Al Roker Taken Hostage by Demanding Dolphins; Negotiations Stalled
NBC has confirmed reports that TV weatherman Al Roker was taken hostage by six dolphins after he completed a live segment at Florida's Sea World.
According to police, negotiators have been unsuccessful in their attempts to gain the superstar's release.
"We've offered the dolphins fish, caviar, and even less popular weathermen" said lead negotiator Rick Sanchez. Sanchez confirmed that police offered the captors ABC weatherman Dick Albert, a move the dolphins met with disdain.
"They know who they have in Mr. Roker," Sanchez said, "and they believe he can get them what they want."
What they want, it seems, is their own reality show. In a statement, the group's spokes-dolphin, Flapper, argued that "for too long our talents have been misrepresented to small audiences. The time has come for the dolphin race to reveal its real potential to humans on a grand scale."
The statement details how the "Sea World Six" believe a reality program would allow dolphins to assimilate into society, much the same way that it allowed "the Osbournes to become accepted as role models."
Dolphin psychologist Alfie Wipplemore claims that the dolphins' demands are about more than creating a new entertainment property. "They aren't looking to put on the 'Nick and Jessica' show under water. They think of this as their audition."
Wipplemore says they hope the audition will lead to global power: "There's no doubt they have a political agenda. They believe they can lead us into a bright future that is governed by reason and intelligence. They also want to be merchandised."
Many believe this agenda, and the dolphins' shameless desire to promote it, led to the cancellation of the popular "Flipper" series. Yet it appears unlikely that any network - even NBC - will give in to the dolphins' demands. As one executive put it, "You need to know how to demean yourself better than just bouncing a ball on your nose to get a show with us."
Authorities say that negotiations will continue, but in the meantime, Roker will continue being bounced from one dolphin nose to another like a discarded beach ball.
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