 |
|
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Lord of the Rings |
|
 |
|
| You are hovering over: Home > News | November 20th |
| |
|
ESPN Anchor Knighted for Contribution to SocietyAug 24 2004 by James Engel
The man kneeled and humbly bowed his head. An august queen lightly tapped his shoulders with her sword. A dragon roared. And thus, Dan Patrick, ESPN anchor, was knighted."I'm glad people will now realize that I am a Lord," Said Sir Dan. "I mean, I make a motherload of money to watch sports and comment on them. I throw in a pop culture reference or a catch phrase now and then, sure I do. I'm free, I'm white, my hair is slick. I wear Hugo Boss suits and drive a Lexus. Does that do anything for you?" The new knight was joined at the post-ceremony festivities by fellow ESPN colleagues Kenny Mayne, Trey Wingo and former partner Keith Olbermann, who has gone on to do wry commentary for USA cable networks. Olby, after a few meads and a leg of mutton, gave us a glimpse of why we were celebrating. "BOO-YAH! Where's Potsie Webber? That's a WHIFF!" Wingo was similarly effusive. "LeBron is King, Coach K stays at Duke, Davis is Baron and now Dan is a Knight...SWISH!" The Queen of Squatney said she was unfamiliar with her newest charge, and that the orders to carry out the knighting came from "Somewhere else." Nonetheless, she tried to remain upbeat. "He said he can get me into the owner's box at the next Arsenal match. They're supposed to have a keg." What's next for Patrick? "Back to R.O.C.K. in the USA. Barry will be bulging...is Balco balking? Leaving...NOW." And with that, fittingly the pipes and lute played the catchy SportsCenter Theme: "duh duh duh...duh duh duh," thus signaling the end of the evening.
|
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |