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New Study Links Obesity to Food, Beverages
Aug 26 2004 by Michael Gantman
Researchers at Des Moines' prestigious Lardasse Institute, in a joint study with Rancho Carne Vegan, Inc., have new evidence that suggests food alone may not be the reason people gain weight.
"If you want to lose weight," lead scientist Rufus W. Max noted, "you have to stop it with the beverages already." Though the final survey is not legible, Dr. Max is optimistic the results will prove something.
The privately funded study began with eight individuals consuming 5,000 calories each day. By month's end three subjects remained. By month two, Dr. Max was left to finish the study himself.
Asked whether this invalidated the study, Dr. Max's research assistant pointed behind us and quickly walked out of the room. Rising to follow, Dr. Max paused behind his chair to catch his breath.
Despite weighing a robust 328 pounds, Dr. Max blamed genetics for his shortness of breath and not his taxed circulatory system. "That's crap! I'm just big boned," he said, reaching the exit.
While sedentary lifestyles are often linked to obesity, Dr. Max argues that the combination of food and beverages causes the malady.
Resting both hands on the hood of a car he pleaded, "It's got to be about more than food, doesn't it? I mean, pigs don't drink and they're not fat...well, what about giraffes, you ever seen a fat giraffe? We have cups and saucers, damnit," repeating the opening salvo of this study, now available as a flyer.
"It's atavistic," notes one venture capitalist connected with the study. "When we were chimps living in caves, early man would eat anything. Now look at us."
Already this powder keg of hyperbole and alliteration has scientists and talk show hosts turning a deaf ear. While his research is incomplete, Dr. Max casts an impressive shadow as he waits for his blood tests to come back from the lab.
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