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Steve Jobs and Macintosh Go With the Flow With the New Apple iPad
Hoping to leverage the runaway success of its iPod, Apple shocked industry pros this week by unveiling its latest innovation, a breakthrough in feminine hygiene products called the Apple iPad.
"We've always tested exceptionally well with female consumers," said Steve Jobs, the company's CEO and creative visionary. "The iPad is a natural extension of the Apple brand, merging form and function with a very vital human process that has gone virtually ignored for too long."
Weighing just under five ounces and not larger than a standard deck of playing cards, the iPad boasts a disposable, breathable synthetic that fastens securely to the average woman's undergarments. Once fastened, the iPad monitors the rate of menstruation and adjusts its absorption capacity accordingly.
But it's the downloadability of menstrual data that really has people talking.
"I just plugged the thing into my PowerBook's USB port for two minutes every night during my period," said Karen Coy, one of the product's beta-testers who has struggled with an irregular menstrual cycle for most of her adult life. "My iPad figured out when I'd be bleeding next, down to the minute, AND what kind of panty guard was most appropriate for the flow. It's the best thing that's happened for women's periods since, well, tampons!"
To the delight of the remaining 137 beta-testers, the iPad also lends itself to a customizability not yet seen in feminine hygiene circles.
"I can download tons of ring tones and vibrations!" exclaimed Lisa Redman, who said she already logged on to the iPad website and subscribed to the Premium Plus membership, which promises all-out access to hundreds of unique downloading options. "They've got kegel-exercising games, too - kinda like Game Boys for your labias!"
While PC-minded skeptics are wary of the impact the iPad will have on its market share, one inside source claims that Bill Gates already has something comparable in the works.
"Let's just say menstrual cycles usually only last about five or so days, while the non-menstrual discharge associated with the female body's natural cleansing mechanism is an untapped goldmine. Brace yourself - this one's gonna be HUGE!"
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