President Bush Lonely, Pining for Condoleezza Rice After Her "Extreme Makeover"

President Bush has been despondent for the last week, according to White House sources. "He just sits there, staring into space, occasionally sighing deeply," said one source. "I'm really getting concerned."

It turns out that the reason President Bush has been sad is Condoleezza Rice.

"Ever since she had that makeover, things just ain't the same," said the Most Powerful Man on Earth. "We used to sit and talk, and she would watch Sesame Street with me. She would hold my hand when Mr. Snuffleupagus came out. That thing really scares me. But, now she just goes out on...dates."

He let his head drop on his desk and moaned loudly. "Her office is right next to mine. She used to keep the door open - now it's always closed."

Other sources say that the entire male White House staff has changed.

"The Secret Service guys are all wearing new ties. One of 'em even had on cologne the other day," said a source. "Cheney must have gotten Queer-Eyed, because he had on these slim jeans and a shiny shirt."

Paul Wolfowitz has been coming up with excuses to visit the White House. One entry shows that Wolfowitz signed out of the Pentagon, headed for the White House to "…find some Post-It notes. The big ones." An investigation showed that the Pentagon equipment room had plenty of big Post-Its. When questioned, Wolfowitz said, "The White House has the green ones."

Donald Rumsfeld has been unaffected by the new-look Rice. "It doesn't matter to me what she looks like. I'm gay," said the Defense Secretary.

President Bush's troubles with Rice have spilled over into his duties as President. During a recent meeting with members of the Federal Reserve, the President was spotted writing "Condi" over and over on his notebook. "I don't think he was even paying attention," said a participant in the meeting. "He looked like my teen-aged son did when he broke up with his girlfriend."

Reached for comment, Rice said, "I'm moving on. George is going to have to find a new source for his occasional taste of chocolate."

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