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Playboy Magnate Hugh Hefner to Step Down; Teen Slated to Run Magazine
Recently, editors at Playboy magazine stuffed golden tickets into five copies of the aging periodical. The goal was to attract the brightest MBAs and creative types from which Hefner would personally select his heir. Instead, the five ticket holders turned out to be two eight-year-old girls from Latvia and three twelve-year-old boys from Sherman Oaks, CA.
While most in their target demographic have moved on to free internet porn, few realized the statistics were this dismal. "How can this be?" asked a former secretary and recently retired editor, Marilyn Grabowski. "We've all been at the magazine for 45 years. If anyone knows what a man thinks is sexy it's us."
The internationally renowned septuagenarian is kept alert with a steady diet of martinis and Viagra, and continues to date women 60 years his junior despite shrinking to a height of barely forty inches tall. "He's really not much bigger than a large rabbit," said Miss June, Stacy Little, who is also Hefner's current girlfriend.
In spite of the scandal, all five were given a tour of the Mansion and the opportunity to meet the legendary founder. Hefner spent days sailing with the children through his underground chocolate river, luring them down garbage chutes, offering them fizzy lifting drink, and introducing his secret minion of orange faced dwarves, all in an effort to pinpoint his guest's weaknesses and humiliate them to tears. "He really seemed to connect with these kids," said Limp Bizkit front-man Fred Durst.
Former comedian Bill Maher was on hand to congratulate Gary Pfefferman as the final remaining ticket holder. "The other kids were rotten," Maher said. "Gary is a good boy."
Mr. Pfefferman, a freshman in junior high school, plans to take over the editing duties after his bar mitzvah next spring. Added Miss Little, "I think Gary is cute, too."
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