| |
Exclusive: Interview with Dr. X, Head of the National Weather Service
Because Florida has been battered by four hurricanes, Sid Smattering, our government affairs DeadBrain reporter, thought the public deserved some answers. He spoke to Dr. X, the Director of the National Weather Service.
Sid: Why are you using the name Dr. X?
Dr. X: My e-mail inbox has been inundated with hate mail. For my safety, I've taken my name off the official federal government registers and web sites. Floridians are angry and can't understand why with all the technological gizmos and doodads at our disposal why we can't predict exact hurricane landfalls and storm level severities. The public calls us "overeducated idiots," and I want assure them that we're not overeducated.
Sid: How would you characterize the level of damage in Florida?
Dr. X: After a thorough scientific assessment, here's what's left in the "Sunshine State" after Hurricane Charley - big chunks; after Frances, medium chunks; after Ivan, small chunks; and after Jeanne, powder.
Sid: The world's scientists have said for decades now that some symptoms of negative global climate change are more frequent and more severe hurricanes. These are scientific facts. How do you respond?
Dr. X: I think it's a European opinion. It's not an American scientific fact. Recently, our group discovered a new weather phenomenon. During the Republican National Convention in New York, above the convention hall, passersby spotted a luminescent, fast rising, purple gas. We immediately dispatched one of our large weather planes to do an analysis. After the plane entered the strange gaseous substance, the pilot shouted, "Mayday, Mayday, we're goin' down!" but before he had to ditch the plane, the scientific team on board was able to identify it as highly unstable, superheated carbon dioxide.
Sid: What were your scientific conclusions?
Dr. X: We determined that this hot CO2 was caused by hostile and bloated, right wing oratory at the convention. We named the rhetoric Conservative Republican Air Pollution (CRAP). We think this CRAP is rising into the upper atmosphere and contributing to the birth of hurricanes.
Sid: This sounds like a lot of crap to me.
|
|
