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Fox Frets "Martha's Bitches" Won't Be Bitchy Enough
Executives at Fox are scrambling to salvage the network's newest reality show, Who Wants to Be Martha Stewart's Bitch, following news that the domestic diva will be serving her five-month sentence for lying to federal authorities in West Virginia's "Camp Cupcake."
The problem, one Fox executive explained, is "a shortage of bitches. This is like the Candy Land of prisons," said Monty Peddler, the self-proclaimed genius behind the network's latest reality show, The Real Who's The Boss? with Connie Chung and Maury Povich."
Since Stewart's conviction in March, Fox has been scouring prisons in Danbury, CT and Colman, FL looking for "quality inmates" to serve as Stewart's cellmate and co-star - among other things.
"We'd managed to scrounge up some decent women in Danbury," Peddler claimed, "but we really had our hearts set on the Florida joint." Fox executives also believe the location would have allowed them to cash in on the growing Latino market.
"We had some crazy chicas!" Peddler insisted. "Martha would've had her hands fuller than when she was working with whatever meat she used to work with on her show."
But unfortunately for Fox the walls of the Alderson facility imprison fewer outrageous crack hos and far more soccer moms gone wrong.
"It's made it tough," conceded a Fox insider. "What were once visions of artfully constructed makeshift weapons, gang violence, and prison rape with that unique Martha Stewart flare and style are slowly being replaced with a homier Martha of Cell Block C Knows Best vibe."
This was evident from the recently leaked list of "Bitch" finalists. Topping the group is Amanda Froshtosh, who was sentenced to six months at Camp Cupcake after publicly blaming President Bush for her son's death in Iraq.
Other contenders include a mother of four convicted of "willfully overcharging at a bake sale fundraiser" and a 72 year old grandmother convicted of "voicing forceful opposition to Medicare reform."
As Stewart prepares to surrender to authorities in West Virginia, Fox has put out a desperate call for "violent and shapely lesbians with criminal intent" in the hope of saving the program.
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