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Investigation Finds No Proof That House Speaker Dennis Hastert Doesn't Eat Children
An explosive DeadBrain investigation has discovered no evidence to contradict claims that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert eats plump young children.
The investigation follows Hastert's headline-grabbing allegations that billionaire philanthropist and pro-democracy activist George Soros had derived his wealth from international drug dealings. According to Hastert, these claims were proved solely by a damning lack of evidence to the contrary.
Rumors regarding the Speaker's love of beefy children - the sort raised on junk food, television, and no exercise - have run rampant since he became Speaker. But these rumors grew louder recently because no one was able to remember having seen Hastert turn down a platter of scrumptious roasted kid.
"I've never seen the man turn down anything on a platter," admits a Republican colleague of Hastert's. Given such convincing testimony, it's not a stretch to image the Speaker of the House relaxing in his office with a heaping plate of chubby, yet tender, child as its juices drip down his chin.
Our investigation further revealed that children have been seen arriving at the Hastert house. Arriving, but not departing.
According to Millie Trucebar, a political junkie who enjoys photographing the homes of House members, "Yes, there were children going into the house - they were with adults though." But when pressed, Millie admits that she never saw these children leave. "No I was never saw them come out of the house." This despite the fact that she sat at the roadside for nearly three minutes.
According to fitness expert Philip Miniworth, Hastert's oversized stomach is not indicative of the happy or jolly belly that we associate with such lovable celebrities as Santa Claus and Rosie O'Donnell.
"It's a stomach of evil!" Miniworth insists comparing it to that of intergalactic bad boy Jabba the Hutt.
While the evidence is clear that Hastert regularly feasts upon young American children, other mysteries remain. Where, for example, does the Speaker get massive number of pharmaceuticals necessary to treat his hypertension, high cholesterol, and other obesity related illnesses? After all, there is no evidence that George Soros himself isn't his supplier!
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