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| You are happy to see: Home > News | February 9th |
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 Ridge Announces "Code Green" Status for Smallest Nebraska TownNov 9 2004 by Phinneas Zoquo
Due to its relentless barrage of letters to the Department of Homeland Security, the smallest town in Nebraska was finally awarded a "Code Green" terror alert status by Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.The citizens of Monowi, Nebraska breathed a hearty sigh of relief when Director Ridge's official letter came in the mail last Tuesday. The two of them then continued with their game of Checkers. "You see, the wife and I just can't be everywhere at once," explained Rudy Eiler, who forms the "husband" half of Monowi's populace. His wife Elsie elaborated: "Look here - I love our beloved President Bush as much as the next woman, but we simply don't have the resources here in Monowi to keep up with his Blue, Yellow, Orange or - heaven forbid, Red – terror statuses. My poor husband hasn't had a decent wink since the whole color code thing was adopted. I mean, between the first aid, bio-terror response, small arms and security screener training, he's barely been able to tend the tavern. "As acting police & fire chief, too, he's been submitting his daily sitreps [situation reports] to the CIA & FBI. We certainly appreciate the $370,000 in federal grant money for the security upgrades, though." When asked what was done with the $370,000, Rudy said, "Well, we bought a fancy 'I love Omaha' magnet to test Gus and Ernie for weapons when they stop by the tavern for their nightly suds. As for the rest, we'll be nuclear-proofing our trailer." The Department of Homeland Security was reluctant to give the town its own alert status since the whole country was supposed to have the same color, an argument which Monowi's district attorney (Elsie) quickly pounced upon as being flawed. "Now how come New York and D.C. are so special? If they get their own terror alert status, by golly, Monowi deserves one, too!" There's no arguing with that logic. Lacking the resources for a similar letter-writing campaign, the town of Norge, Oklahoma - which has a population of zero - remains at the Yellow (Elevated) terror alert level. Related Articles Ridge Announces "Code Green" Status for Smallest Nebraska Town Nov 9 2004
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After High Explosives HMX and RDX Go Missing In Iraq, Bush Targets BMX Bikers
Nov 2 2004
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Oct 16 2004
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Oct 9 2004
Bush: I'll Adopt Kerry's Iraq Plan, No Need to Vote for Him Now
Sep 30 2004
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