 |
|
|
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Howard Stern |
|
 |
|
| You don't remotely resemble: Home > News | November 20th |
| |
|
John Ashcroft Resigns; Will Join ACLU on January 1, 2005Nov 11 2004 by Greg Kuhl
The resignation of U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft, whose ultra-right wing ideology helped shape the Bush Administration's War on Terror, will allow him to pursue a lifelong dream: Becoming a lawyer for the ACLU."Pretty surprising, huh?" said Ashcroft, who isn't exactly known for telling jokes. "I told President Bush I was exhausted and wanted to resign. But that was just a ruse. Hey, I'm as much a political opportunist as the next guy. "Despite my less-than-liberal policies at times, I've always secretly wanted to work for the ACLU. When they approached me with their offer, I just couldn't say no." Ashcroft said he expected that his joining an organization that is "pretty much on the opposite end of the political spectrum" would probably raise a few eyebrows. "I've heard all the jokes and criticism - that if I was any farther to the right, I'd be wearing Klan robes, blah, blah, blah. I look at this as a chance to redeem myself with the Big Guy Upstairs, as well as the American people, and folks around the world." Ashcroft said he was eternally grateful to Bush, who "rescued me from potential political oblivion after I lost the Senate race in Missouri to the dead governor. Do you know how crushing it is to lose a high-profile race to a corpse? "That was pretty embarrassing, but becoming AG allowed me to make a mark on the political process. Alright, much of the time it was a black mark - like the rights violations at Guantanamo Bay - but it was a mark nonetheless. I figured I'd have a greater impact with the ACLU than, say, the Supreme Court, where old rumors had me going." Bush, who didn't try to dissuade Ashcroft from resigning, was flabbergasted at Ashcroft's decision. "The ACL-what? Has he lost his ever-loving mind?" ACLU spokesman Ben Brockington fainted shortly after learning of Ashcroft's decision. After being revived with a cold cloth, Brockington said, "That's unreal. We meant the offer as a publicity-seeking joke. You mean he took it?" Barring any last-minute glitches, Ashcroft will start Jan. 1.
|
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2003-2008 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Survey | Vermin |