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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humor · Stephen Colbert |
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| You are just out of reach of: Home > News | November 20th |
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White House Insecurity on the RiseNov 28 2004 by Jim Bauman
Our reporter ran into White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan at a pub in Washington D.C., and got him drunk. In an exclusive, slurred-words interview, our reporter discovered the latest security breaches at the big, white castle..."Yeah, after the election, the President and his wife were strolling on the White House back patio when a man in a grass skirt and scary mask jumped out at them. Laura threw up her fists in surprise, hit poor George in the kisser, and propelled him into the rose bushes (no relation to the President). It turns out the intruder was a witch doctor from West Africa hired to put the peace whammy on the President. "That wasn't the beginning of it though. The day after the election a decorative pillow arrived with the words, 'Congratulations and good luck with Iraq!' Bush threw it on a sofa in his bedroom. In the middle of the night, the pillow burst into the song War by Edwin Starr. "War, huh yeah What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Uh-huh... "A security guard heard the commotion, stormed the room, and shot War into silence. "The best intelligence suggests that there's a group of morally-depraved liberals out there who are convinced that Bush will end the world. Of course, they want to stop the President, because they've only got this world and none other to hang on to. They know God won't include them in the Rapture." (While waving his arms, Scott slipped and fell from the bar stool. His chin caught the edge of the bar.) "Ooo-ooo...man, that hurt! "Hey, I've gotta tell you, another time, Bush was walking towards his helicopter on the White House lawn. Some wacko with a fish bowl over his head approached him while repeatedly shouting, 'Dubya, Klaatu barada nikto!' Weird, huh? Well, I'll explain. It's from the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. Patricia Neal spoke those same words to the robot Gort to stop him from destroying the world." (Scott smiled and passed out. His head fell to the bar with a double clunk.)
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