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Princess Di's Phallic Collection Set to Tour
 Princess Diana's extensive collection of objects shaped like penises will mount its first public tour next month. The 14-city swing, expected to begin in Liverpool in mid-February, will raise money for AIDS research.
Calling the collection "a labor of love," Sir Malcolm Hardy, head curator of the exhibition, told the BBC, "From her earliest years Diana had a fascination with penises. Wherever she went she was always on the lookout to add a new one to her collection."
Under Diana's hands that collection grew to its present size, which includes everything from obvious items - such as chili peppers, carrots, mushrooms, and arrowheads - to rarities such as a tampon that bears a remarkable resemblance to Prince Charles, and The Jolly Queen Mum, a four-centimeter polyp (pictured above) that was removed from the Queen Mother's colon in 1980.
Diana's collection also includes found art such as photographs of cloud formations, geysers, and topiary sculptures. Hardy estimates that if the collection were laid end to end, "It would stretch the length of the main aisle of St. Paul's Cathedral and back, give or take an inch."
Hardy also explained that the collection "will be hung in an creative manner" to reflect Princess Di's fascination with slang terms for penis. Hence the objects in her collection will be arranged according to the following taxonomy: bald-headed giggle sticks, camel riders, doughnut holders, meat thermometers, Old Blind Bobs, stainmakers, and Tottenham throatwarmers.
Although members of the royal family would not comment publicly about the exhibition, one royal was overheard to remark at a recent Subway® opening in London, "That bitch never did meet a dick she didn't see eye-to-eye with."
In related news, Sir Elton John, who is reported to have offered £12 million for the collection, is scheduled to release "Love Candle in the Wind," yet another rewrite of his Marilyn Monroe song, prior to the penis tour's opening.
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