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Christian Software Firm Releases English-to-Tongues Converter
Reverend Aloysius "Spike" McFadden, president of Endtimes! Software, announced yesterday that Glossolalia 1.0, the long-awaited English-to-Tongues converter, is now available through his company's website at End-times.org.
"The Lord told me that this software will be even more popular than our Pig Latin Bible converter," said McFadden. "From now on there's no need for new charismatics to be tongue-tied in church or the Goodwill Store or the Wal-Mart or anyplace else where two or more people are gathered in Jesus' name. Quicker than you can say 'a wop-bop-a-loo-bop,' ('Only the elect should be elected'), our new software will have you speaking in tongues like an elder."
Correctly interpreted by all operating systems in any programming language, Glossolalia 1.0 quickly converts simple English sentences into tongues. Furthermore, it preserves split infinitives, dangling modifiers, double negatives, and disagreements between subjects and verbs in the process.
To use Glossolalia 1.0, simply type a word, phrase, sentence fragment, or (for advanced users only) a complete sentence into the conversion space (the box next to the burning-cross icon). Then mash that icon, and Glossolalia 1.0, with the blessings of the Lord God Jesus Christ, will print that word, phrase, or sentence fragment in tongues, spelled phonetically ("jus' lack it sounds") for easy mastery.
For example, type "The Lord don't love no ugly" into the conversion box, and Glossolalia 1.0 instantly prints, "Jaweh nigrama sintay spook."
"It's so easy even my 14-year-old cousin can use it," said Melvin "Six Fingers" Suggs, chief programmer at Endtimes! Software. "I'm gittin' her one for our first weddin' anniversary."
As part of a six-day special introductory offer, anyone who orders Glossolalia 1.0, which retails for $19.95, will receive a copy of RapQuest, an interactive guide to the Rapture, absolutely free.
Endtimes! Software, "The Inspired Binary Word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, Alabama (population 7,037.5). The company, which produces "Christian software for Jesus Geeks," expects to have a voice-recognition model of Glossolalia 1.0 ready for release soon.
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