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Another Celebrity Sperm Bank Closes After Performance Failure
The Clinton Presidential Center issued a press release yesterday to announce that the Babies by Bubba Sperm Bank was "withdrawing services" at the end of the month.
The highly touted project, which had been in beta testing for two years, was aborted when mothers raising babies fathered by the former president complained that the tykes "tried to nurse from other women the minute our backs were turned."
The closing was the latest setback to the faltering boutique sperm bank market. Last fall, as U2's newest album was climbing the charts, lead singer Bono tearfully announced that he was closing Bono's Little Legions, a sperm bank he had launched in 2000.
Although the diminutive singer alluded to "unspecified creative differences" as the reason for the closing, an official close to the project said that patrons had been returning their babies in droves "because the little bastards wouldn't stop talking about themselves." The official also noted that the babies were extremely sensitive to light and required expensive sunglass almost as soon as they opened their eyes.
Once the latest go-go trend among venture capitalists, boutique sperm banks now appear to be "a .cum bust looking for a dress to soil."
Larry King Live babies proved to be anything but. In addition to requiring suspenders to hold their diapers up, most of them were born with tragic addictions to Garlique, Ginko Biloba, and other supplements. Meanwhile, P. Diddy's Dandies, apart from exhibiting an almost pathological inability to remember their own names, had trouble sleeping if the singer-mogul's music wasn't piped into their nurseries.
According to Merrill Lynch market analyst Keyser Soze, "The only boutique sperm bank not swimming against the tide is Kevin Spacey's Kids. Like Kevin, the babies have no distinguishing characteristics and are, therefore, unlikely to require special care or feeding. They can be difficult to pick out in a crowd, however."
Soze added that he was advising sperm bank investors "to pull out before it's too late."
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