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Island Give-Away Winners Live to Regret It When Team America Moves In
Do you remember the credit card TV commercials telling you that if you used their card, you might win an island? Well, Sam and Sylvania Sputz won the contest. They now live alone on the "Isle of Sputz" in the Pacific, 400 miles from the nearest island, M12378. Our reporter decided to check up on them via satellite phone.
"It's not what we expected. It started out OK. The island came equipped with a prefab straw hut. The wife and I were dropped by parachute from a FedEx plane. Just as we were starting to get the hang of things, 'they' arrived."
[DeadBrain]: "Who's 'they'?"
"Two of those creepy-lookin' puppets from the movie, Team America: World Police. Yesterday, we spied a teeny-tiny landing craft on the beach, so we strolled over, and one of the little dummies ran up to me and said, 'Our commander-in-chief, President Bush, said during his 2nd Inaugural speech that the survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.'
"Then the blockhead said that we had a tyrannical form of government on the island and that if we didn't form a free and democratic one in 24 hours, they'd have no choice but to force us from power and drive us off the island.
"These two termite-infested bullies resemble that terrifying puppet in the horror movie, Seed of Chucky.
"I told them to haunt somebody else's backyard goldfish pond and to leave us alone. At that, one of the little buggers got red in the face, whipped out an itty-bitty flamethrower and torched my sandals. They also crippled my cat with a miniature grenade.
"This is all bad enough, but it gets worse. I just got word from a noted climatologist that because our island has a very low topography and because of accelerated global warming, which is speedily melting the ice caps and raising sea levels, this island will be totally underwater in five years."
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