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President Tackles Terror, Appoints Homes Honcho
At a joint briefing with the FBI, the White House announced creation of the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens, to address the problem of unchecked home remodeling and decorating. "It is our position that America can no longer isolate itself. Mediterranean, Asian, Tuscan influences – sometimes all in the same house. Americans are confused and angry. They need help. We're gonna give it to 'em"
The FBI then refuted rumors that a recent manifesto calling for all Americans to "rise up and remodel" was the work of HGTV. "We have determined they are not involved in any way. There are very specific indicators we look for. Here, there's no perky host. There's no staged shopping expedition. There's no laughingly unrealistic budget. We have determined this is the work of a lone decorator, or perhaps an interior designer." When asked to explain the difference, the FBI abruptly ended the questioning, stating "That's not an area we're going to get into at this time."
The President's choice to head the new agency is Kenneth H. Kenneth, a Washington outsider with no previous political background. Mr. Kenneth is a certified KD who specializes in space planning and color theory. More importantly, he has won "Designer's Challenge" a record five times. At his confirmation hearings Kenneth said: "Our mission statement for the DHHG is simple. We're going to take the terror out of home décor." He went on to say he looks forward to creating a department that is "filled with familiar shapes in a challenging juxtaposition of color and style."
Hearings seemingly stalled when Kenneth, over Senate objections, continued to defend his position that a lime green and pink color combination is "sassy fun." He ultimately won the necessary votes and Sen. Hillary Clinton later said "I feel we made the correct choice. This is an issue that affects all Americans, right in their own homes. And gardens." Kenneth is expected to begin the difficult process of shopping for coordinating fabrics immediately after he is sworn in.
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