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It's NOT Avon Calling! Bill O'Reilly's New Phone Plan in Action
After Bill O'Reilly, the politically conservative Fox TV talk show host, settled out of court a sexual harassment (by phone) lawsuit brought by a female Fox TV producer, our DeadBrain reporter thought that that was the end of the controversy. But, sadly, he was mistaken. Here's his report...
The famous humorist and satirist Andy Borowitz woke up the world to the abject dread and fear many women experience worried sick that Bill O'Reilly might telephone them. Now, we know it's no longer a possibility: O'Reilly is actually calling legions of women across the globe.
Women shrink from a ringing phone. They screen their calls via an answer machine or Caller ID. If the Caller ID displays, "Bill the Sex Pervert Calling," they let it ring.
Even the noted media psychologist Dr. Fred Yuhoo is bowled over by this new social phenomenon. "The good news is that the National Do Not Call Registry web site has added a new button entitled, "Block O'Reilly," said Dr. Yuhoo.
Dr. Yuhoo continued, "The man's incorrigible and without shame. I contacted him about his despicable behavior, and he responded," said the Doctor. "He screamed at the top of his lungs, 'SHUT UP!'
"Some perverts have even combined O'Reilly's compulsive, multiple calling with one of the most despicable images ever. It's an image that's caused some people to curse their ability to see. They talk about wanting to claw their eyes out. Once they've viewed it, the image supersedes and dominates all other images.
"That image was first seen in the Michael Moore movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, when Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz licked his comb and drew it through his hair. Yuck! I know. I'm sorry I mentioned it. Pretty sickening, eh?!
"Well, at this time, sex perverts from under every rock and in every cave are phoning women and grunting, 'Hey, Baby Cakes, I'm holding a big comb, and I'm slathering it with spit. Now, I'm running the gooey comb through your hair.'
"After hearing that, most women fainted and had to be hospitalized!
"Isn't that depraved, debased, degenerate, despoiled, disgraceful, and certainly not de-lovely?"
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