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Gorilla Dope Gives Hope to Sick Pope
Pope John Paul II showed he was still in command of the Catholic Church when he recently announced plans to stage a sponsored spelling bee for the poor Denver Fathers of the Sticky Hand, an American order close to his heart and purse.
Making a mockery of reports that he was incapacitated, he stated his plans lucidly while inside his Pope-o-Ball - a sterile bubble of clear plastic, fitted with the kind of medical gadgets and gizmos that are a veritable must for the modern, agile, bubble-dwelling pontiff.
Polishing off a hearty breakfast of gorilla adrenaline, he exulted: "Mother of God, this gorilla [expletive deleted] is heavenly, man! Anyway, Fonzy, let us not retreat from our mission. The Church must be a beacon of justice in the world, and if these snivelling, ungrateful orphans think that they can sit in judgment on the poor fathers, then they'll truly find that beacon rammed up their [expletive deleted]. There's dignity in suffering, and if they continue their court actions I'll make sure that they're the most dignified runts on God's earth!"
The Holy Father then appeared to take a micro nap of two days before the adrenaline tube was lovingly re-stapled to his holy nape. He subsequently offered: "This Papal bull is no bull, man, take this down. (Picking up his ukulele) If I was a carpenter and you were a Mary, would you marry me anyway and have a holy baby?"
Scotching rumors that they were deranging the Pope's mind by cruelly stimulating him well beyond his use-by date in order to prevent the elevation of a liberal cardinal to pontiff, Cardinal Von Ripper, a senior prelate and head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Spin, seen by Vatican watchers as being slightly to the right of Attila the Hun, laughingly ordered us to be beaten by a division of Swiss Guards.
"[Expletive deleted] press! The Führer never had this trouble. They must bear witness to the reality and power of God's Church!" Then, as an afterthought to the burly Pope Troopers: "But make sure there are no witnesses, eh?"
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