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Bin Laden Discounts Russell Crowe's Value, Highlights Others
Osama bin Laden vehemently denied that his al-Qaeda terrorists targeted actor Russell Crowe for kidnapping as part of a "cultural destabilization plot."
"Who? Oh, the guy from Gladiator. I saw the movie, but was pretty bored by it," bin Laden said in a satellite telephone interview from his secret hideaway. "There were a lot of movies better than Gladiator, and certainly way more actors better than that guy.
"No way I could give it a thumbs up, much less waste al-Qaeda's and my time by trying to kidnap him - Oscar stuff notwithstanding. If the guy says we were trying to do that, he must be delusional."
But bin Laden admitted during the interview with the Al Jazeera television network that he had drawn up a potential kidnap or hit list, in case it was needed. Among those on it:
The cast of Friends: "Even I know the show is no longer has original episodes. But was there a more annoying, whiny group than that bunch? I figured many Americans would consider me a hero if I somehow took them hostage. They're still around someplace, aren't they?"
Joan Rivers and Star Jones-Reynolds: "Did you see the Oscars? All those stupid, insipid red-carpet questions from those two bags of wind? I'd be doing America a favor by getting them off television."
Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Jackson: "Enough said," bin Laden said.
Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and baseball's steroid users: "These big, strong guys would present a major challenge to al-Qaeda. But if we could somehow raise enough money and promise them appearance fees, which is what Congress should have done to get them to testify, then we might have a chance to take them."
President George W. Bush: bin Laden considered kidnapping Bush, but then figured the president's foreign policy was actually making al-Qaeda stronger and more unified, so he rejected the idea.
"But I never want to rule anything out. Hey, I'm a terrorist. But I'm thinking Desperate Housewives might be the best idea."
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