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Minnesota School Deaths Blamed on "Spontaneous Human Perforation"
Mar 30 2005 by Mr. Bunbury
A shocked nation remains baffled today as to how bullets became lodged in ten people last Monday at Red Lake reservation in Minnesota. However, the incident bears all the hallmarks of Spontaneous Human Perforation (SHP), an unexplained phenomenon in which bullets fly through the air at high velocity, claiming the lives of thousands of Americans each year.
The owner of a local ammunition store expressed disbelief on hearing about the deaths at the nearby high school:
"What could have caused these bullets to fly around like that?" he asked us, scratching his head with a shotgun. "Maybe the kids were wearing magnetic clothing, which attracted the bullets towards them at high speed."
However, a forensic expert dismissed this theory as preposterous, instead pointing out that some of the victims had been sitting near computers which were capable of playing violent video games and displaying neo-Nazi web-sites:
"While there is little evidence that video games or the Internet can cause death," he explained while polishing an AK-47, "there is NO evidence that they cannot!"
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association was careful to avoid jumping to such conclusions, but added his own suggestion.
"It is well known that rock music can resonate the air in such a way that bullets are levitated and propelled into human flesh," he told us, while playfully brandishing an Uzi. "I understand that the effect is particularly noticeable when you play Marilyn Manson."
At a press conference President Bush reassured the public that he would establish the cause of the growing carnage.
"I have no idea what causes people to die from bullets," he told reporters, while cleaning a loaded pistol. "But I feel pretty sure that I’m gonna find out soon."
In an entirely unrelated development, Mr. Bush earlier increased his pressure on Iran to abandon its nuclear program. The Iranian government responded by saying that nuclear weapons were perfectly safe and that Iran only intended to use them for peaceful purposes, such as personal protection, hunting and target practice.
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