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Bush Seeks to Become Next Pope

Apr 8 2005 by Greg Kuhl

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In a potential power grab of epic proportions, President George W. Bush is working secretly behind the scenes to become the next Pope.

Bush's desire to seize control of the Roman Catholic Church grew rapidly as Pope John Paul II's health deteriorated, and even more so when the 84-year-old pontiff died.

"It'd be kinda cool to be president and Pope," Bush said. "I enjoyed visiting the Vatican when Pope Paul John IV and I met before he got really, really sick. It's too bad he died, but now somebody's gotta do the job. Why not me?"

Under his plan, Bush would split time between Washington, D.C., and Rome for the remainder of his presidential term, then become full-time Pope when he leaves the White House in 2009.

"Hey, I'll be almost too young to be Pope, but a retired president's gotta do something. I could play the elder statesman role - like Jimmy Carter - or I could disappear like Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford did.

"Those roles have been done to death. I want to do something new, something bold. I'm already known around the world. All right, it's not always for good reasons. But it's not as though I have a lot to do as president. Quasi-President Cheney and Karl Rove pretty much run the show already. I'm sort of like a figurehead, just like the Pope is."

Bush admitted there were some potential obstacles to his papal dream job.

"I'm not Catholic, which could be a problem. But I'm willing to study the catechism and convert. It's not as though I haven't changed religions before."

Though being married with two kids could also be a problem, Bush said, "It shouldn't be too hard to get some legislation passed to allow priests to marry and have kids. Hey, I'm the Pope. I can get it done. Or maybe Laura, Barb and Jenna can all become nuns.

"I think this could work big time. Now if I can just get the College of Cardinals to go for it. The Pope's funeral is a perfect time to campaign for it."

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