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Arnie Takes Aim at Throne of St. Peter
Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to have accepted that the constitution won't be changed any time soon to allow foreign born citizens to become president, but has moved onto something even bigger.
He stunned the state and the nation this month by announcing his intention to become the next Pope! He has launched a campaign to change the rules of the Roman Catholic Church to allow non-clergy to become God's Representative on Earth.
Sources inside the Vatican expressed disbelief at the declaration. Cardinal Joaquin Navarro-Valls, spokesman for deceased pontiff John Paul II, said that the Governor's plans were "ludicrous" and "insane."
He continued: "The next Holy Father should be a widely respected and popular Cardinal who can heal the divisions in the Church and bring peace and enlightenment to the world. The last thing we need is some muscle-bound meathead with a Nazi for a father and who bones anything that moves. There are already enough of those people in the Church."
Schwarzenegger's statement was even more shocking, as he is not thought to be very religious and has been dogged by claims of womanizing throughout his careers in film and more recently, politics. He explained his bizarre decision during a special press conference in Sacramento: "The Church of St Peter needs change. I am the man to carry out that change. I can terminate the corruption, terminate the sexual abuse, and terminate the deficit in trust."
The former film star rounded on his many critics within the Church: "I say this to those who oppose my campaign. Don't be girlie-men Cardinals. Your time is up. I am coming to clean Church!"
Privately, friends of Schwarzenegger have accepted that this is a very long shot and suggest that he is just looking for the next big challenge. Apparently he has also ruminated over becoming a model husband, a realistic political campaigner, and a well respected and talented actor.
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