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Ceiling Fandango: DHHG Seeks Restrictions on Faux Tropical Fans

Apr 21 2005 by Tara Zucker

The DHHG Terror Alert: Colors That "Pop"

The House last week began debating federal energy standards for ceiling fans. Republicans argue that federal standards would ensure better efficiency and lower fan prices, while Democrats insist state standards are higher.

As usual, the media is not reporting the full story. Highly placed sources in Washington reveal that the Department of Homeland Homes and Gardens is working to attach an "Anti Faux Tropical Fan" rider to any ceiling fan bill the House ultimately approves.

As Secretary Kenneth of the DHHG explains, "The energy focus of the current debate is all well and dandy, but it completely ignores the problem of Faux Tropical Syndrome (FTS). The sale of faux tropical fans has dramatically increased in the last decade. This has, in turn, led to an increase in the varieties of faux tropical blades, including bamboo, rattan, and of course, wicker. The alarming rise in FTS is certainly no coincidence."

According to Kenneth, a recent study from the American Counsel for Style has proven that installation of a faux tropical fan will, in nearly 87% of all cases, lead to usage of other faux tropical items. FTS is a fast moving disease. The first stage, known as "Creeping Palmitis" (CP), can quickly overtake a normal room before the homeowner is even aware it's happening. CP typically starts with framed palm tree prints, and quickly escalates to palm tree mirrors, palm tree pillows and palm tree lampshades. Stage two is usually elephant bookends and assorted bamboo baskets (E&B). The addiction often ends, tragically, with the introduction of monkey figurines (IMF). When the disease reaches that stage there is little hope for recovery. Says Kenneth, "At that point it's very painful to be in the room because it's just so tacky."

The only hope lies in prevention, according to Secretary Kenneth. "This bill is our best hope to combat the descent into faux tropical madness. At the DHHG, our goal is first to educate, then to redecorate."

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