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'Joey Rats' Named New Pope - More World Reactions
Apr 27 2005 by Andy Grainger
 Catholics around the world celebrated the naming of the new pope, the former German Cardinal Joe 'The Enforcer' Ratzinger, an ex-Hitler Youth member. He blessed the multitudes in Latin and Italian, saying "I pity the schwein who tries to use a rubber on my watch – Om Mani Padmium-m-m-m-m."
He has chosen the name Pope Benedict XVI, in hopes the other Cardinals will stop calling him 'Joey Rats.' His confirmation was not a surprise, since he was Pope John Paul's long-time right-hand man, and helped appoint most of the men who voted for him. "I carried that Polack sumbitch for the last 10 years, and here's the payoff!" he croaked, before collapsing in a coughing fit.
Pope Benedict is a reported 78 years young, although he is coy about birthdays. Liberal theologians all said they could work with the super-conservative Pope, although most said they would be 'laying low' for a while.
Many of the faithful were rapturous at the news, and reported miracles in the form of rust stains and oddly shaped moles. In ButteFork, Nebraska, a Mrs. Elvira Poppin claimed a large skidmark in her husbands underwear looked exactly like Madonna cradling Pope John Paul II in heaven.
"Billy Bob's been leaving me a little present in the laundry fer years…but ah never saw nothin' like this! Praise the Lord!" she said, waving the yellow bikini briefs at repelled FoxNews reporter Brit Hume.
We now return to our 24-hour Michael Jackson coverage.
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